This year the Leo and I traveled to Myrtle Beach to play golf in the Grape Apes’ annual family outing. We played at Legends. The fourth in our foursome was an officer with the local Sheriff’s Department. How they chose to have Officer Man Mountain play with us I’ll never know. Maybe it was a pre-emptive measure. I mean after all, John E and Leo do have a bit of a reputation. No lie, this guy was and is a giant.
Officer Man Mountain was a little, how should I say this? Scary, I guess that’s the best word for it, he was scary. Every time he spoke to one of us he started and ended the comment with “Boy”. Things like “Boy, how long you be’n a play’n this game? Shoot, Boy last time a saw a hook like that it was in a fish's mouth. I tell you what boy, I’m gonna straight’n you out, I’ll get you to hit the fairway by the end of this round. You wait and see. I’m gonna fix you up good Boy.” He said all of this to my friend Leo. No kidding and no exaggeration.
So, after about 6 holes, Officer Sasquatch sprung into action. Leo teed the ball up. As he started to get ready to hit, Sasquatch seized his opportunity. He looked at us and started in “Shoot boy, what in the hell are you a doin? Tee that ball up right. It aint that hard boy, here, let me straighten you out.” With that, he walked over to Leo. Leo’s standing there with his legs spread in his ready to swing stance and here comes Sasquatch. I couldn’t really see what happened, all I know is Officer Scary squatted down in front of Leo and started to say something about his balls, something about Leo’s balls being too low. Apparently when you play golf, your balls need to be higher. I couldn’t make it all out; a lot of it was garbled. I was standing there in awe of what I was seeing. Officer OhmyGod was on his knees in front of Leo squirming around making all manner of garbled noises after just talking about Leo’s balls, and Leo was tense. Really, really tense. He wasn’t in his ready position any longer and he wasn’t moving a muscle. After a minute, Officer Sasquatch stood up, wiped off his brow and said “There you go boy, now hit that thing, hit that ball. Hit it hard.” So Leo got in his ready position again and was about to swing. Office Man Mountain again sprung into action. As Leo addressed the ball, Sasquatch said “Shooooooooot Boooooooy, what the hell are you a doin? Relax, you’re too tense. Wiggle them hips first boy.” With that, he again walked up to Leo. He put his hands on Leo’s hips and started in. “Come on Boy, wiggle them hips, loosen up. You know how to do it, relax. Shake that thing boy. Boy, look at the way you are hold’en that club. What are you try’n to do, choke a chicken? Soft hands. That’s it, nice and easy, hold the shaft, all nice and soft like. Get in the rhythm, come on nice and easy, move with me, back and forth, relax, hold it soft, keep the shaft loose in your hands, then hit that thing.” All the while he’s swaying back and forth, with his arms around Leo’s hips. After what seemed like an uncomfortable eternity, Office Sasquatch released Leo. He walked to that back of the tee looked at Leo and said, “Come on now Peckerwood, hit that thing.” Leo took a mighty swing and WHACKED that ball. It was his worst drive of the day. The thing took off at about a 90 degree angle from the Tee box and headed deep into the weeds. Leo turned to leave the tee and you could see it. He was trembling, and I think there was a tear in his eye. Office Scaryman called him Peckerwood for the rest of the day.
I’m not sure I know what I Peckerwood is. All I know is according to Officer Sasquatch, whatever it is, Leo’s it. Thoughts and images of how Leo became a Peckerwood are permanently etched in my brain. I’m still having the nightmares.
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